17 Years Ago

Seventeen years ago today Music Man and I were married. It was his first marriage and my second. I remember hearing from other women how much more nervous they were the second time they got married. After all, they had either been through a divorce or death of a spouse and they knew the pain that could come from ending a marriage. I spent a lot of time in deep thought when I met Music Man. Wondering if it could possibly work for us. There were a number of strikes against us.

1. He was four and a half years younger than me.
2. He was in college and working part-time.
3. He was taking care of his ill father.
4. He was struggling to stay in college.
5. I was divorced.
6. I had a child.
7. I was working part-time.
8. I had dropped out of school.

And that was before we started to date. Our first date was February 21, 1998. He proposed on March 27, 1998 and we got married on June 20, 1998. Yeah, you can say it was fast. 

On our wedding day, Music Man was nervous. Not about whether we'd make our marriage work, we'd already discussed that and had agreed it would. He worried about being the husband I needed and the father my daughter deserved. He has done wonderfully at both. 

However, I was not nervous on our wedding day. Sure some details had me concerned but I was calm about the future. I knew I was marrying the right man, possibly because I'd already married the wrong one. But I just remember feeling confident and excited about our future. I remember knowing we'd get through anything.

That said, I've noticed a lot of people asking couples who have been married a long time how they did it and I've read a lot of articles by people who have achieved some astounding anniversary. What those articles don't take into consideration is the individual needs of each marriage. That said, I am going to list here what works for Music Man and I.

• Laugh together. If Music Man and I hadn't and didn't still laugh at some of the stuff that's happened to us over the years we never would have made it this long. Laughter is healing but it also brings us closer to each other, it keeps us in tune with the other's mind space, and it gives us the opportunity to be silly together.
• Music. For us, music is an important part of our marriage. Me singing, poorly at times, and him playing whatever instrument he can get his hands on at the moment, brings us together. Music again gives us insight into how the other thinks and feels at the moment. 
• Touch. I'm not talking about sex here, though that is important too. I'm talking about hand holding, a hug, a peck on the cheek or even just a gentle caress on the back as you pass each other in the kitchen while preparing dinner. Humans crave contact with other humans and a gentle touch lets us feel connected to another person.
• Taking the time to learn about the other. I love Lego's. Seriously, it's pretty close to an addiction for me. I may have missed my calling as an architect or engineer. That said, Music Man buys me Lego's. It fills a need in me and it shows me he paid attention to which ones I said I really wanted. He loves stuffed animals. I buy him stuffies as often as I can find space for them. Again it fills that need for him and shows him I paid attention when he said he would love a stuffed ________.
• Argue. Yeah, that's right, I said arguing helps our marriage. It allows us to get things off our chest we had kept to ourselves so as not to hurt the other. Now, I'm not saying be abusive or call each other names. What I am saying is by arguing we have shown each other we have a passion about our lives and we feel strongly enough to risk making the other mad or hurting feelings in order to fix a problem.
• Apologize. This one is sometimes difficult because you may feel you are one hundred percent in the right. And you may well be. But going to your spouse and humbly saying, "I'm sorry we quarreled," and having them say, "Me too," followed by a big hug, is the best feeling in the world.  
• Assume the best of each other. Music Man told me a long time ago that if he said something and it could be taken two ways and one of those ways hurt my feelings then he meant the other way. This one is hard because when someone says "Wow, you look awful, are you okay?" it's hard not to be hurt. That said, when Music Man says to me, "You look tired," I know he's really asking me, "Do you feel okay? Are you in pain? Is there anything I can do to help?" 

So that's our secret, seventeen years and that's what's worked for us. Oh and just to be fair, it hasn't always been rainbows and anniversaries. There's been illness, injuries, money worries, job worries, past emotional baggage, PMS, family problems, holidays, and generally life. And yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world and I'm glad I had my best friend by my side through it all. 

I love you, Music Man. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I look forward to another seventeen (at least) years with you!